Until I made my debut as pup Spunk last November 2025, it had been a long time since I wore a collar that someone might interpret as a sign of submissiveness. I’d forgotten what it was like to have a total stranger reach out and grab hold of my gear (in this case, a collar). I’d also forgotten how to respond when that happens. I was out of practice.
Since November, more than a couple of strangers have reached out to touch or grab my collar, lead, tail, ass, or nipples. If you’re reading this and you’ve ever done that to someone, don’t do it again.
What I’m going to suggest here is especially relevant for pups, leatherboys, and anyone else who may be PERCEIVED as submissive. Some people assume that someone they perceive as submissive, such as a collared pup or leatherboy, will be submissive to them.
People in a submissive headspace sometimes hesitate to assert themselves. To them, I suggest practicing a few simple steps. Then practice, practice, practice until it rolls effortlessly off the tongue.
PRESUMPTION
The following scenario and suggested response presumes the person behaving inappropriately is not intentionally trying to harm you, either physically or emotionally. Instead, they acted out of ignorance or they had a temporary lapse of good judgment. This does not address assault with malice.
SCENARIO
You’re walking through a bar looking sexy and cute, which you have every right to do without being inappropriately touched. Someone grabs your collar and says, “cool collar.”
You might be tempted to pull away; that communicates fear and defensiveness. You might reach for their hand to push it away; that communicates aggression. You might be tempted to educate them by saying something like, “it’s rude to touch someone’s collar”; this is a condescending commentary on the person’s character rather than behavior and it doesn’t tell them what you want them to do. You might even say, “thank you,” because you are so conditioned to be polite; that reinforces their poor behavior. Here is the more assertive approach.
STEP 1: DIRECT
Calmly, but firmly say, “take your hand off my collar” or “let go of my collar.”
This is a clear way to communicate they’ve crossed a boundary and what they need to do to correct it. It comes from a place of strength.
STEP 2: PRAISE
Say, “thank you.”
This reinforces the positive behavior and wipes the slate clean. The person will most likely apologize. Now they’re more likely to really hear and appreciate your final words.
STEP 3: INFORM
Say, “Ask for consent before you touch someone or their gear” or very simple, “ask to touch.”
This tells them how to behave correctly without insulting their character in the process.
If the touch was just fleeting, then you can skip steps 1 and 2. It’s tempting to just keep on walking and not say anything at all, but do you really want them to do that to someone else?
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE
“Take your hand off my _________.”
“Thank you.”
“Ask to touch.”
Be sure to “❤️,” comment, and share.
Powerful—and long overdue.
A collar, a pup hood, a harness… none of it is an invitation. It’s a signal of structure, not availability.
What you laid out here is what a lot of spaces are missing:
clear, repeatable language that protects energy without escalating tension.
The real shift is this—
submission isn’t weakness, and dominance isn’t entitlement.
The strongest subs I know hold cleaner boundaries than most Doms.
And the best Doms? They never have to guess—they ask.
“Take your hand off.”
“Thank you.”
“Ask first.”
Simple. Direct. Teachable.
That’s how culture actually evolves—one interaction at a time.
Never been in that world as a pup or a 'master', but your guidance serves us well in numerous situations when assumptions lead to disregard of one's personal space or situation and a violation of privacy. Love your posts about this! I am learning so much about the awesome world of the leather/pup world.